Our First Marriage Partners

It should come as no surprise (though siblings are surprised) that our brothers and sisters influence how we relate to the opposite sex. Siblings are our first marriage partners.  They teach us about what guys want and what women want.  They teach us how to (or how not to) act with folks of the opposite gender.  Just ask a female friend what she learned from her brother. And ask a male friend what he learned from his sister. You might find the answers surprising, even funny. (“I learned all about hair stuff and girls with their periods.” Or, “I learned that guys don’t talk about their feelings as easily as girls. And I learned that guys are often much more competitive.”)

 

A Short Quiz with No Right or Wrong Answers:

  • What did you learn growing up about the opposite sex?
  • What do you think your sibling of the opposite sex learned from you?
  • What are three words that describe the person you think your sibling should/should have married?

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When Siblings Marry

In one of the few studies of young-and middle-adult siblings, two-thirds of the siblings said that the marriages of their brothers and sisters detracted from their relationship. They felt their sibling had “married down.” Or they simply didn’t like a sibling’s spouse or were not liked by him/her.

It is not uncommon for a brother’s or sister’s marriage to significantly alter the dynamics between siblings. Early adulthood, the time in which many marriages occur, represents a rite of passage from the inner turmoil of late adolescence to the tasks of preparing for a lifework and forming intimate relationships outside of the family. Doing what we “should”—largely defined by family models, culture, and the prejudices of our peers—often instructs us to get married and settle down, to start our own family. For some siblings, these moves toward independence dictate a move away from the close connections with brothers and sisters. For others, the insecurity and/or jealously of a sibling’s spouse forces a wedge between them.

Alas, neither my sister nor my brother married.  So, I’m left to depend on other sibling stories about how marriage has affected their connection.  I heard from one “friend” on Facebook today who said that she loves her sister-in-law and is closer now to her brother than ever before.

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Someone on Twitter tweeted that, while she liked her sister-in-law, she wished her good luck when it came to being married to her brother.  Oh, dear . . .

 

 

 

 

A director of a national not-for-profit organization whom I interviewed for The Sibling Connection: How Siblings Shape Our Lives described a family “truth” that dictated how she and her two sisters and two brothers were to react when one of their siblings married.

The rest of us were not allowed to have any judgmental thoughts or feelings.  I don’t know where that came from.  It was just something that had to be.  And, by and large, that has been the case.  We have welcomed the new spouses into the family, although they have never been equal to the brothers and sisters.  They’ve always been brothers-or sisters-in-laws.

 

And then there are the stories of siblings who have been estranged since one or the other’s marriage.  They complain of sister or brother-in-laws who have driven a wedge between the siblings or don’t allow much contact with them or do everything in their power to make life miserable for everyone except their spouse.  (Hmm . . . I’m thinking they probably make life miserable for their spouse as well.)

On a happier note, frayed connections between siblings because of one or the other’s spouse tend to mellow with age.  Siblings are anxious to reconnect and to have their brothers and sisters back in their lives.  They may have finally found their voice and bust out of the confines their spouses have erected.  Or their spouse may have passed away.  (That’s one sure way to solve the problem.)

The prevailing theory has been that we often marry someone just like (or the polar opposite) of the parent of the opposite sex.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/tech-support/201405/why-your-partner-may-be-your-parent

But more recent emphasis has been placed on the important role our siblings play as our first marriage partners.

http://content.time.com/time/magazine/article/0,9171,1209949,00.html

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3 thoughts on “Our First Marriage Partners

    • Got your edit. Hell, don’t worry: I can’t figure out whether other followers even see these comments. I’ll ask my web guy.

      To answer your question, when there is no male in the family period, the family (particularly the siblings) grow up in what some researchers have dubbed a “tilted” family. The therapists behind this concept postulated that members of these families may face “some unique problems, including a confusion about ‘masculine’ and ‘feminine’ roles, difficulty making autonomous, independent choices, problems with behavior control, and a greater sense of loss because there are no children of both sexes.”

      Okay, so that’s one take. According to many of the folks I interviewed (and I think portions of some are in the ebook), they couldn’t imagine growing up with a sibling(s) of the opposite sex.

      How this impacts on same sex siblings choosing a partner is a question I don’t think has been thoroughly studied. And whether this bodes well or poorly when they marry/live with someone of the opposite sex is a question I can’t answer. I guess the ideal is for same sex sibs growing up with a mother only to spend time with male cousins, uncles, grandfathers and with male friends and, at some point, boyfriends.
      (In some ways, it’s like an only child whose parents need to make sure that he/she socializes often with peers . . . in nursery school, with relatives, neighbors, etc.)

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